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How did we ever get in this mess?
The Chemistry - Opposites Attract.
It has been said by scientists and romantics alike that “love is Blind”.
In the beginning of any relationship we tend to believe that object of our affection is just like us in so many ways - - - yet there is that chemistry. It is at this point that we both heart and head people put on a facade.
Because of the excitement and the promise that the chemistry brings to our meeting, we put our best foot forward and act out a behaviour that we feel is more genuine, more enticing and more pleasing to the other.
A behaviour that brings out in our intended what we want to see, because love is blind. We refuse to see that our partner is doing the same. What we chose to see in the other is only our sameness - our partners Secondary behaviour.
One is looking for someone to talk to, someone who will listen, someone who is confident, yet affectionate and playful, someone who occasionally needs their help.
The other is looking for someone who is spontaneous and comfortable with themselves. Some one who has their own thing going.
Both see the potential of their perspective partner being all they want them to be. They chose to see the potential vulnerability in each other and they both instinctively talk about what they want in a relationship, honesty, emotional support, closeness, affection, not realising that those words mean something different to each of them.
In this phase several deceptions are happening. First we are seeing only a small part of our partner’s whole personality.
Second, we are judging the other based on ourselves.
Third, we tend to behave in a way that will bring out only what we wish to see in our potential partner.
The heart person learns to draw out the head persons playful, affectionate side and delights in the power they feel to be needed and to be the object of such affection.
The head person learns to how to bring out the heart persons need to be needed and feels comfortable that at last, here is someone Who will understand them and enjoy them for who they are. Little do we realise at the time that the differences (or complementary) traits far out weight the similarities we chose to see.
We believe this sameness is all that exists at the beginning of the relationship. We continue to draw out in our partner what we wish to see until we feel there is a commitment. Once a commitment occurs, either verbally stated or implied by actions, we begin to drop our facade. We revert to normal behaviour because we feel secure.
We feel the extra effort is not needed. It is at this stage that problems begin.
After the honeymoon is over we feel we have been slapped in the face, because our beloved has suddenly changed. We feel lied to and betrayed. Yet, it was there along. And we refused to see it.
Worse yet, we fail to see how we changed, how we have started taking our partner for granted, and therefore added to the misunderstanding.
Because we do not understand the dynamics of what is happening, we blindly proceed, We assume our partner has changed and she/ he doesn't care for us any more or is trying to punish us for something we don’t know we did.
Continue to What Stage of your relationship are you in.